George Carlin
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Quotes
George Carlin quotes
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338)
“Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy,
men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are
stupid.”
―
George Carlin,
When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops?
men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are
stupid.”
―
George Carlin,
When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops?
“Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man ...
living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every
day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't
want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a
special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish
for you to live forever, and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream,
until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and
he needs money.”
―
George Carlin
living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every
day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't
want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a
special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish
for you to live forever, and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream,
until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and
he needs money.”
―
George Carlin
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
―
George Carlin
―
George Carlin
“That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.”
―
George Carlin
―
George Carlin
“The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.”
―
George Carlin
―
George Carlin
“Some people see things that are and ask, Why?
Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not?
Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.”
―
George Carlin
Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not?
Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.”
―
George Carlin
“Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.”
―
George Carlin
―
George Carlin
“We're so self-important. So arrogant. Everybody's going to save
something now. Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save the
snails. And the supreme arrogance? Save the planet! Are these people
kidding? Save the planet? We don't even know how to take care of
ourselves; we haven't learned how to care for one another. We're gonna
save the fuckin' planet? . . . And, by the way, there's nothing wrong
with the planet in the first place. The planet is fine. The people are
fucked! Compared with the people, the planet is doin' great. It's been
here over four billion years . . . The planet isn't goin' anywhere,
folks. We are! We're goin' away. Pack your shit, we're goin' away. And
we won't leave much of a trace. Thank God for that. Nothing left. Maybe a
little Styrofoam. The planet will be here, and we'll be gone. Another
failed mutation; another closed-end biological mistake.”
―
George Carlin
something now. Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save the
snails. And the supreme arrogance? Save the planet! Are these people
kidding? Save the planet? We don't even know how to take care of
ourselves; we haven't learned how to care for one another. We're gonna
save the fuckin' planet? . . . And, by the way, there's nothing wrong
with the planet in the first place. The planet is fine. The people are
fucked! Compared with the people, the planet is doin' great. It's been
here over four billion years . . . The planet isn't goin' anywhere,
folks. We are! We're goin' away. Pack your shit, we're goin' away. And
we won't leave much of a trace. Thank God for that. Nothing left. Maybe a
little Styrofoam. The planet will be here, and we'll be gone. Another
failed mutation; another closed-end biological mistake.”
―
George Carlin
“I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuckin' heroic.”
―
George Carlin
―
George Carlin
“People say, 'I'm going to sleep now,' as if it were nothing. But
it's really a bizarre activity. 'For the next several hours, while the
sun is gone, I'm going to become unconscious, temporarily losing command
over everything I know and understand. When the sun returns, I will
resume my life.'
If you didn't know what sleep was, and you had
only seen it in a science fiction movie, you would think it was weird
and tell all your friends about the movie you'd seen.
They had
these people, you know? And they would walk around all day and be OK?
And then, once a day, usually after dark, they would lie down on these
special platforms and become unconscious. They would stop functioning
almost completely, except deep in their minds they would have adventures
and experiences that were completely impossible in real life. As they
lay there, completely vulnerable to their enemies, their only movements
were to occasionally shift from one position to another; or, if one of
the 'mind adventures' got too real, they would sit up and scream and be
glad they weren't unconscious anymore. Then they would drink a lot of
coffee.'
So, next time you see someone sleeping, make believe
you're in a science fiction movie. And whisper, 'The creature is
regenerating itself.”
―
George Carlin,
Brain Droppings
it's really a bizarre activity. 'For the next several hours, while the
sun is gone, I'm going to become unconscious, temporarily losing command
over everything I know and understand. When the sun returns, I will
resume my life.'
If you didn't know what sleep was, and you had
only seen it in a science fiction movie, you would think it was weird
and tell all your friends about the movie you'd seen.
They had
these people, you know? And they would walk around all day and be OK?
And then, once a day, usually after dark, they would lie down on these
special platforms and become unconscious. They would stop functioning
almost completely, except deep in their minds they would have adventures
and experiences that were completely impossible in real life. As they
lay there, completely vulnerable to their enemies, their only movements
were to occasionally shift from one position to another; or, if one of
the 'mind adventures' got too real, they would sit up and scream and be
glad they weren't unconscious anymore. Then they would drink a lot of
coffee.'
So, next time you see someone sleeping, make believe
you're in a science fiction movie. And whisper, 'The creature is
regenerating itself.”
―
George Carlin,
Brain Droppings
“The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life
is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of
it? A Death! What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all
backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in
an old age home. You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a
gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you’re young
enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you
get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you
play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go
back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating …and you
finish off as an orgasm.”
―
George Carlin
is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of
it? A Death! What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all
backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in
an old age home. You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a
gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you’re young
enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you
get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you
play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go
back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating …and you
finish off as an orgasm.”
―
George Carlin
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
―
George Carlin
―
George Carlin
“I'm completely in favor of the
separation of Church and State.
... These two institutions screw us up enough
on their own, so both of them together is
certain death.”
―
George Carlin
separation of Church and State.
... These two institutions screw us up enough
on their own, so both of them together is
certain death.”
―
George Carlin
“I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And
apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own
opinions.”
―
George Carlin
apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own
opinions.”
―
George Carlin
“I don't like ass kissers, flag wavers or team players. I like
people who buck the system. Individualists. I often warn people:
"Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I"
in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I"
in independence, individuality and integrity.'" Avoid teams at all
cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name. If
they say, "We're the So-and-Sos," take a walk. And if, somehow, you must
join, if it's unavoidable, such as a union or a trade association, go
ahead and join. But don't participate; it will be your death. And if
they tell you you're not a team player, congratulate them on being
observant.”
―
George Carlin
people who buck the system. Individualists. I often warn people:
"Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I"
in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I"
in independence, individuality and integrity.'" Avoid teams at all
cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name. If
they say, "We're the So-and-Sos," take a walk. And if, somehow, you must
join, if it's unavoidable, such as a union or a trade association, go
ahead and join. But don't participate; it will be your death. And if
they tell you you're not a team player, congratulate them on being
observant.”
―
George Carlin
“He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.”
―
George Carlin
―
George Carlin
“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the
self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the
purpose.”
―
George Carlin
self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the
purpose.”
―
George Carlin
“I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going
to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is,
'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and
integrity.”
―
George Carlin
to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is,
'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and
integrity.”
―
George Carlin
