50k-entertain

30.10.11

5 03 2010

This is the worst show on television. The bogan, with an alarming physical dependency on it, tunes in each weeknight at 6:30 sharp for its hit of outrage, denial, and quick fixes. As the familiar tones of the program’s journalistically authoritative host reverberate from the interest-free home theatre system, it lures all occupants of the McMansion into the grand sitting room. Hunched around the television as though it’s the only heater in Antarctica, they are ready to receive their 30 minute dosage.

Without this show, the bogan would be lost. It has spent years cultivating a deep hatred of authority, immigrants, young people, non-bogans ripping off bogans, and bogans ripping off bogans. A hatred this huge would topple over under the weight of its own fundamental irrationality unless it was constantly fed and validated by moving pictures and sound. Worse still, if left to its own devices to contemplate its hates, there is a slim but unacceptable possibility that the bogan will realise that it loathes itself.

Thankfully, the bogan can turn to its television at 6:30pm to ward off any dawning self-awareness. The show’s journalists will exercise their own freedom of speech in a bogan-approved manner, cutting off or drowning out anyone featured on the show who attempts to unravel the bogan’s fragile social tapestry with an independent opinion. With the boring parts of conventional news reporting eliminated thus, the bogan can immerse itself in the x-treme journalistic elements of ambush, pursuit, hidden cameras, and selective editing.

This show is possibly the most finely honed, perfectly evolved bogan-attracting machine in existence. After years of patient trial and error, it has narrowed down the list of stories it presents to eight meta-bogan pieces. It will inform the bogan how to lose weight without fad diets or exercise, inform the bogan about the existence of con artists while chasing them down the street, inform the bogan about how generally evil young people are, inform the bogan about the dangers of foreign people entering the country, inform the bogan about what ‘crazy stunt’ the ‘Chaser boys’ have recently pulled, inform the bogan about welfare cheats robbing them of their taxes, inform the bogan about any product, service or general notion that will permit the filming of semi-exposed breasts and inform the bogan about any program on the network that might need some extra free advertising. The bogan will watch this show, then turn on Home and Away, and sleep comfortably, content that it is now an empowered and informed member of society. And that nothing is their fault.

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Tags: Bogan, Today/Tonight, Worst Show on TV
Categories : Uncategorized

Things Bogans Like – Two and a Half Men

Uncategorized « Things Bogans Like

#108 – Two and a Half Men

18 03 2010

This show is in no way funny. This comedy is a misnomer. This programme is the harbinger of Armageddon. This is the Show Bogans Like. Somewhere, in a dungeon in California, a team of demonic showbiz suits sat down and plotted the destruction of television. Two and a Half Men emerged. The combination of Charlie Sheen – the man who married Denise Richards and entered rehab – with an annoying child and an equally annoying adult could focus the bogan’s self-love by having it assume that Charlie Sheen represents it, and the annoying characters non-bogans.

Offering a heady mix of gratuitous (implied – PG rating) sex, attractive women and fierce misogyny, the bogan’s trigger points are sufficiently charged. This entire show is built up around the cliché that women will reward you for treating them like dirt. Female bogans enjoy this show. The bogan male may try to replicate Charlie Sheen’s character’s success in real life, but lacking even Sheen’s hackneyed wit and addled charm, it will only find positive results at the very, very damaged end of the spectrum.

That this show – riddled with women who are either annoying mothers, obese quasi-lesbians or smoking hot idiots simply begging to fall victim to the bogan’s (read: Charlie Sheen’s) wiles – is one of the most popular on TV goes to show just how many bogans there are. They could be your friend. They could be your neighbour, your teacher or your accountant. They’re out there, watching Two and a Half Men.

The presence of a neurotic and ugly, but vaguely intelligent character in Charlie’s brother provides the perfect impetus for the bogan to wallow in its own hallucinatory world of self-denial. It can now comfortably draw an informed conclusion that unless one is sexist, alcoholic, insensitive, and half-successful, they cannot conceivably pull chicks. Pull them deftly, like a Pamplona bull hooking a drunken tourist.

There is not even any need for comedy – the evil suits realised that the bogan, Pavlovian stereotype that it is, will laugh merely when it is suggested that it is supposed to. Instead of funny or witty dialogue, a deafening laugh track of hyperventilating Nitrous Oxide victims is thrust onto the eardrums of any who dare un-mute their television.

The show’s dialogue unrepentantly veers between sexual innuendos, hot chicks and a kid making sexual innuendos, to the rapturous applause of the bogan. The very existence of the ‘half man’ (a fine example of the half-baked comedy that plagues the show) joking about menstruation, promiscuity, swearing and other ‘adult’ issues, makes the bogan terribly excited. How hilarious, it thinks, that a child should not only be aware of such mind-bogglingly complex matters, but also have the ability to turn it into jokes. The show’s popularity is further aided by the fact that it is shown on Channel 9. Repeatedly. More times than Australian Extreme Police Customs Security Force Australia.

Now watch, if you dare, the excruciating, comedy free, laugh track-dominated turd that is Two and a Half Men.